Hi Guys!!
Im Sindy and I'm 34 years of age. Although I like to think I am younger and also tell people this, and so far (thankfully) I have had no need for botox. (Yet). I am 5ft 9, skinny and I would say, I am not too bad looking.
I am writing this tonight from my penthouse apartment, wrapped up in my Paris Hilton bed covers, with my chihuahua Zu Zu, asleep at my feet. My best friend in the whole world (who I share this apartment with) is wrapped up asleep in bedroom next door. I have a loving dad (who has quite a lot of money), the best brother anyone could ever wish for and a handful of very good friends, whom I love dearly. I would class myself as quite intelligent (not quite to Mensa standards though). I work full time, and although it is boring, pays the bills.
I have been in a relationship for 4 years now with a great guy, whom I love more than anything in the world and he too loves me equally as much.
Sounds lovely doesn't it? My life should be complete and I should be happy. I wish so much it was.
Whats lying underneath this fantastic life and me being happy is my boyfriend. He has Addicitive Personailty Disorder, his main addiction being heroin.
Myself, I'm not perfect. I have a problem with using drink to cope (which I even know myself ,does not allow you to cope, just send you further into the pit of dispair) I have also suffered from an eating disorder for as long as I can remember and these combined have often led me to self harming and taking overdoses.
To type this, even I am thinking, this sounds sooo stupid. It's GAME OVER. If I was reading this I would be thinking "what a dopey bitch - just get rid of him" and probably stop reading, which tends to be the reaction which I constantly get about my situation from other people. BUT..... there are a lot of people out there in this situation, and if you are reading and nodding, you know exactly what I mean.
Anyway, so for 3 years now I have been going as much round in circles as my boyfriend has. This is how it normally works:-
He starts to withdraw, acting suspicious.
I know somethings up
I ask him
He lies
I ask him more
He lies
I question why he hasn't got any money
he lies
I try to call him
He turns his phone off
I go round and ask him to show me his arms
He does
I say great, so your back on the drugs
He denies injecting them and says he scratched his arm
Off he goes to his parents to get clean
Then he's sorry and he buys me things, and makes it up to me, by treating me like a princess
He goes back to his counsellor and back on the methadone.
Happy days..... until the next time.
Right, so that's a brief history of how I have lived my life for the past few years. The reason for my blog is because of what has happened in the last 2 weeks.
To cut a long story short, his addiction in the past 2 months had now moved from heroin to gaming. He became addicted to buying things from eBay, playing computer games at every waking moment, I made him show me his bank statements as I knew he had been lying about money, but i just knew there was something else going on.
Anyway on Monday I find out he has built up a friendship with (believe it or not) a girl in the chemist where he gets his methadone from. Who, lets add, looks like a 5ft 2 beached whale. (just to add final insult to injury) He never admitted this to me, but I know him too well, and my suspicions were based on him being very secretive with this phone. He had changed the passcode, it was never around and always turned off at night. After having a heart to heart with him on the actual sunday night, he yet again re assured me nothing was wrong.
I finished work on Monday to go round, stopped off in the pub for a drink, only to find my friend that works behind the bar had spotted my boyfriend across the other side of town with this girl the previous night when he had told me he had been sleeping all day after being on a night shift.
When I questioned him about this he said he had met her to tell her he just wanted to be friends. WHAT THE FUCK? so why was she even thinking any different. Lies again. This friendship had been going on for 2 months.
So I walked away. (After I had punched him in the face and kicked him in the balls due to extreme anger, frustration and hurt)
I have had this before, when I get too close to comfort, he withdraws and then uses people to get attention. This girl didn't know the first thing about him. his history, his current situation, who he actually is, and yet again, its just another way to escape for him. He can tell her anything he likes to get the response or reaction he requires from her. This is the whole damn problem with people who suffer from having an addictive personality disorder, they lie to cove their actions because they don't want anyone to find out, and they have no care whatever the consequences of their actions are, because their brain constantly tells them everything will be OK. The amount of stress and hurt this brings to me is often too great for words.
So now my journey begins.............................
I have spoken to him since and for the first time, he has admitted he has a real problem. I felt for the first time last night he has opened up to me. He said he is going to get help this time. He is seeing his counsellor next week and being honest for once and also asking him to put him in touch with a counsellor who specialises in addictive personality disorders.
Where I am with it all, is basically, this time it is make or break for me. I have been clinging onto the hope for so long that he loves me so much he will change. I am not with him at the moment and don't want to be. For the first time ever, I am taking some me time, I am taking a step back and putting the ball firmly in his court and leaving it there. I am getting used to being on my own, because even though I want to believe that I will get my fairy tale ending, re reading what I have wrote, I am not so certain. In fact extremely doubtful. I don't even know what I want anymore. Sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him right now.
I am sick of all the lying, the hurt, being betrayed, missing out on life and most of all I am so sick of his problems consuming so much of my life.
I have not read many tales on the met of people in this situation, who have happy endings, so this
This is my journey to see...............
